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Guardian
15 January 2013 @ 07:23 pm
I hate everything about myself.
I need to find a way to either kill who I am, or accept being alone forever. And the latter isn't working.
 
 
Guardian
06 July 2012 @ 02:05 pm
You made the world a better and brighter place, John.  Everyone you met was greeted with a "God bless you."  You made me smile, you gave me hope.  Thank you for blessing me, for praying for me, and just for giving me a smile and a wave.  Thank you for never lecturing me, even though I am a terrible sinner.  I have no doubt that if there is a heaven, you are in it.  And there is certainly a heaven for you, John.  And the funny thing is you never got my name right - not that I ever cared. You could call me whatever you like.

Bless you, John. Thank you.

- Danielle, AKA "Darlene"
 
 
Guardian
18 June 2012 @ 11:37 pm
46 days until my mother gets married.  She bought her marriage license today. Fiance has yet to contribute financially. herpderp derp
 
 
Guardian
16 June 2012 @ 12:22 pm
btw, my mom is still planning on getting married to a total d-bag. I'd feel more pity, but today she was spouting off gems about sexuality, 'cause as a straight, white cis woman, she knows everything. Like the fact that lesbians never use vibrators, if they do they're actually bi because they luv teh cawk. And if lesbians have kids, then they are lying wh00rs who also love teh cawk.

So I'm gonna sit back and eat popcorn while her own relationship goes to shit and she wonders why she's such a bad judge of character. After all, doesn't she know everything?!

Yeah, kids. If someone annoys you to no end and is clearly incompatible with you, just yell at them every day, give them ultimatums and if that doesn't work, just marry them, cause marriage makes a bad relationship better. Derp.
 
 
Mood: angryfeeling vindictive
 
 
Guardian
16 June 2012 @ 12:17 pm
Oh my goddess, the rare joy of finding the BEST bra!

42B with no underwire! Booby heaven!

It could only be better if it were an A cup.
 
 
 
Guardian
21 May 2012 @ 09:23 am
Ow.  
My mom's boyfriend bought kiwis. And the big thing was that he had them at his house because I wasn't allowed to eat them, because I'm allergic.

He left them in my fridge this morning. Naturally, this means they are going to be eaten by me. :D

Kiwis are sooo incredibly painful. My mouth is kinda itchy. I think while I was eating them, they were eating me. My lips are like destroyed. I think I'm over them. Artificial flavoring only from now on.
 
 
Guardian
13 May 2012 @ 01:17 am
I spoil my mom. I really do. :P  Every now and then I get her something she likes just because. That's the trick to keeping anyone happy. :P I got her this little rabbit she had a fondness for at easter time.  Well, for Mother's Day I ended up doing a last minute kind of thing.  I got two cards for her - one from me and one from my dog, lol.  I bought picture frames but had nothing to put in them until tonight.

I've wanted to give my mom a pic of me at graduation with Harry standing next to me for a while now.  He passed away before I actually graduated, so I just know she's going to cry when she sees the photo. I'll need to reprint it later because my printer is in horrible shape ink-wise.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I think she'll love it. I also put together some flowers and a charm bracelet that I literally had to assembled with my teeth. (Not made from my teeth, I mean the only way I could get the metal links to stay still was to bite onto them and blindly try to link them together correctly. And that made it 50000% easier than trying to use my fingers!)

I bought candles I was gonna give her for Mother's Day, but she seemed to be having a rough day a few days ago so I gave them to her then. She freaking loves candles. Like I said, I spoil her. :P
 
 
Guardian
12 May 2012 @ 01:26 am
>:(  
Okay, so overdue life update incoming.

No college for me. I often want to go back to MMA - even make slight plans to - but I remember that 1) it's too physically demanding 2) it's too expensive 3) they do not have a MAJOR that works for me.

And all of the above sucks a lot.

More stuff sucks a lot.

My entire life I've had problems with my guts. Undiagnosed IBS, pretty much. Very painful, all the time. It's finally gotten to the point where now and then I just gush blood. It's pleasant. It worried me enough to actually go to the ER and the ugly truth finally came out.

I frigging hate talking about that kind of stuff. But it's gone on long enough it's having neg effects on my insides, I think. So I had a blood test done to see if I'm allergic to gluten or something. As much as it would freaking SUCK to be allergic to gluten, because gluten-free foods (that normally have gluten, that is) are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. :( My nephew had autism and they recommend gluten-free food, so that's how I know. :| BUT.... as much as that would bite to switch my diet and have to nom on crappy stuff now and then... I kind of really want the test to come up positive. Because then at least I'll finally know what's wrong with me and be able to sort of fix it. And lord knows a strict diet would do my figure some good. I liked myself a lot better 100 pounds ago. And if it's not gluten, that means that chances are I just have to keep living with this pain for the rest of my life unless I can figure out something else I'm allergic to.

Besides fruit. I'm allergic to kiwi - they make me bleed and itch - and I think I'm slightly allergic to fruit entirely in a similar way. So I'm just awesome with weird allergies that suck balls.

P.S.

Oh, and when they took my blood for the test I was like, "I'm feeling squeamish today" and then proceeded to nearly pass out after they were done with me. Totally lame. :| Sometimes I handle it, sometimes I can't. But I felt better as soon as they let me have some water. Woo. What a weird and horrible feeling it is to nearly faint.

Oh, and I should have had them test me for diabetes, come to think of it. I probably have it by now.
 
 
Guardian
18 November 2011 @ 08:30 am
I had a big, huge, scary dream last night. Scary because it had me so convinced it was real or going to come true. A lot of different things happened in my dream, so I can only remember the ones that were really grabbing. This might be jumbled.

First part I remember was watching dogs run around and stuff like that. Carrie and David's dog Dakota was in this dream. She's a big, black shaggy german shepherd and her owners have been trying to get her pregnant. I thought she was wounded on her back. On closer inspection, I discovered that her sexual organs, including nipples and such, were on her back, and furthermore she was split in two along the spine.

Another part of my dream ended being a dream inside a dream. Or like my mom said when I told her about it, a nightmare. I was giving birth, and it was agonizing. I actually tried to wake myself up by screaming for my mom, but it failed to work. After that, I felt my control over the dream slipping away. At first they told me the baby was male, and then told me it was a baby girl. I started crying in joy, but also other things... agony, fear, etc.

Then I "woke up" from that dream, but was actually in just another layer of a dream. (Annoying, right?) I was visiting the college my friend was attending. To make things more fun, I was still dealing with the shame of having dropped out of my own college. Anyhow, I saw a lot of friends in that part of my dream. They were all doing well and adjusted to their lives. Meanwhile I was running around freaked about my dream of giving birth, because I thought it was entirely possible. For one, I've certainly gained a lot of weight in real life, and there was a while where I missed my period. However, I forgot the fact that I am currently ON my period, and made up a "fact" that when I was in college I went to a party and blacked out (didn't happen at all).

A couple more things - at my friend's college, there was a huge concert happening in their football stadium (I don't think they actually have a STADIUM). I also kept literally running through the innards of a ship (like my college) that was full of regimental students and the ship was in like a pretend war practice mode and kept leaving port, in a loop. I'd make my way through and then end up jumping off the back either into the water, or back onto the dock in time. I did this a handful of times while I was looking for the nurse.

I spent the entirety of that dream trying to find pregnancy tests, and then subsequently trying to find a private bathroom. For some reason in my dreams, bathrooms end up being more like locker rooms crossed with fast-food restaurant booths. It's really weird and awkward because it means you end up peeing or whatever with someone right next to you. Naturally, the bathroom always has tons of co-ed seating, and tons of people scattered all over the place. So even though I could get a place to pee, I'm too skittish to do it, while no one else has the same issue. On top of the normal issues that means I have (fear of opening up to people, being sexual I guess) I also wanted a place to be alone when my test result came in. I had no doubt that it would be positive and I would break down crying. BUT, even though I feared it, I had that psychic feeling that it would be a baby girl... and for once in my life I wanted to keep her even if I was pregnant, even though I was terrified.

I woke up before I could actually use my test.

Let me repeat that there is no way I could be pregnant. But obviously it's own my mind. The thing is, I grabbed a pamphlet about adopting a child a while ago. I've always considered adoption, but I've also hated kids quite a bit. I think that hate is changing now. And being an adult finally, I'm more seriously considering adopting an older child. Obviously I still have some deep concerns about the whole thing.

My mom has me worried, too. I woke up and told her about my dream of giving birth. She told me that if you dream something three times, it'll come true. This is the second time I've dreamt about having a baby girl, to my memory. Although last time I was really apathetic about her and was going to give her away. This time I felt more attached. Ew, I'm becoming motherly. :P
 
 
Mood: worriedworried
Music: my kitten purring
 
 
Guardian
06 June 2011 @ 08:59 pm
I took a trip down to Castine today with my mom. We stopped a lot along the way to check out different shops. I got a unicorn keychain, a piece of turquoise and hematite, a "Dream" button, a MMA tshirt, and some fudge. I have pictures, so I'll tell you guys about it later when those are online.

Next I want to go to Freeport to see the desert of Maine. Yeah, Maine, with your greenery and rolling hills and coastal lines, we have a desert... just an odd place that's buried in sand from a glacier, and a 200 year old barn nearby. I heard a legend once that the people who lived in the barn were cursed, and sand started showing up... sand and more sand, and it just piled up until they couldn't farm the land anymore.

In reality, they think that the farming cause erosion and revealed the glacial silt under the ground. It's not REALLY a desert because... hello, Maine. :)